Friday, October 16, 2009

The Poopie List

Last night my roommate was going through some books that people had donated for our church library and found this very old typed letter called the "Poopie List." I almost wet my pants laughing so hard. I am not sure if I laughed harder because it was in a book donated to the church or if it was just the words themselves! Be warned this is a very descriptive "list" :)

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 itmes and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

Second Wave Poopie: It happens when you're done poopi-ing and you have pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie: The kind where you strain so much to get it out you practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Poopie: You poopie so much, you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log Poopie: The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie: It is so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinker Poopie: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie: Self-explanatory!

Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie: It's the kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie: That's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid squirts out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie: It smells so bad the room must be condemned.

Upper Class Poopie: The kind that thinks it's poopie don't smell.

Fisherman's Bobber Poopie: That's the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball size poopies are still floating above the water line.

I hope you all got as big of a laugh out of this as I did and enjoy the weekend!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

And it's not even Thanksgiving!

Yesterday on my drive home from work I kept became overwhelmed with how blessed I am. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I don't have or in what I want that I forget how truely wonderful of a life I have. So in the spirit of it not being Thanksgiving, I am going to make a list of things that I feel truely blessed by! (And I did NOT cry yesterday thinking about everything because I am NOT emotional this week!)

I am thankful for:

A family who I can share anything with and how they love me no matter what. I am blessed with a family that will always be there for each other :)

My job! Even though I may not always enjoy it, I have a good job. And these days with jobs so hard to come by, I am lucky to be where I am....lucky is not the right word-blessed!

For friends who support me and love me and desire good things for me!

My boyfriend who is also my best friend! I have never felt so comfortable and been in such a healthy relationship!

And many little things such as my kitten Ruby, my church family, my house in the country!

All in all I feel so blessed and thankful!
I did not want to wait till Thanksgiving to be writing this list because that's when it's expected. I feel so thankful now and that's when I need to express it!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Being a Regular in My World

Here is what it means in my world of work for you to be considered a "regular" :

I moan everytime I see your name on the caller ID.

If you call from a phone other than your usual I can tell its you by either your breathing or your voice.

I know exactly what ride you are going to take...yes even down to the exact time, destination, and return ride information. (It disguists me too!)

When you can't remember your address, I will tell you it.

When you call at a certain time once a week and I can set my watch to you.

If you don't call at your usual time, I debate calling the law enforcement or just sending the bus anyway.

I know your routine well enough to know when I will see you at local business in town on my own errands/days off.

I know I am going to receive more calls from you at the beginning of the month because you get paid around the third.

I know what time your mail usually comes to your house.

I know how often you drink and what you sound like at different levels of intoxication.

I know what doctor you go to and unfortunately I also know why you are going to see the doctor.
(On a side note.....please don't tell me ever again why you are going in!!!!!)

I know how many goldfish you have killed in the last year.

But most of all.....I know everything. I have eyes everywhere and there is no fooling the dispatcher!!!! I know you think you can lie and tell me things that will make me give you sympathy....but trust me I have heard it all before!